Man of Steel

*Erm, spoiler alert?*

Okay, guys. A few things.

The Timing Thing.

I watched the movie, your little picture show, at home. I watched it with very few distractions and with subtitles on. I'm a close watcher and retain what I see.

So why the hell couldn't I keep track of what year it was?

There was no reason to jump back and forth to that jarring and nauseating degree. It detracted from many of the scenes involving his family because it kept forcing the viewer to establish context, and it made some things not make any sense at all. Combine that with the terrible way you establish a dream sequence (for those who haven't seen the film, basically "don't give any indication that it's a dream sequence") and you get a movie attempting to be emotional and intellectually suspenseful but feels manipulative and confusing.

So, there's that to start.

Flying.

Superman can fly. No biggie. Zod can fly because he's from Krypton, and so can his men. Okay.

But when you fly, when you land, you usually end up in a different place, especially when you break the sound barrier. It's even harder to get back to the same place when you're flying and being chased by a mecha-Kryptonian soldier who is as fast as you and wants to crush your face.

Times 100 if while you're flying, you go to space.

So, when superman is flying, why the hell does he always end up in the same place? How can these battles between flying gods with no ties to this planet take place within a five block radius? How ridiculous is that?

Literally everyone else in this movie.

And how are all the secondary characters there when they land? Explain that to me. Seriously: show me a Shining-style map of this city where it makes sense that Lawrence Fishburne and Christopher Meroni and Amy Adams and Kevin Spacey's chief of staff from House of Cards all end up right where he lands, and I buy you dinner.

It's not like we needed them there, ever. Their role throughout the movie is to stare open mouthed at Superman, unless they're conveniently placed for a completely transparent deux ex machina (RICHARD SCHIFF, IM LOOKING AT YOU).

If what they were going for was to show humans as boring, vain creatures who were incapable of speaking without platitudes as some kind of counterpoint to Superman, then they needed to pump the brakes on that. I doubt it, though - I think it was a massive fuckup and a waste of talent.

Kevin Costner.

What a wierd role. You meet him when he's taking the least popular opinion ever concieved: he's not advocating child death by tragic accident, he's advocating the voluntary refusal to prevent child death - basically child murder by restraint. He's scolding an all powerful alien who just saved a bus full of kids for being a bit too rash and not thinking things through. Real gem of a role.

Then, after Jewish mothering Superman for a few minutes, he gives his life up for a dog.

A dog. A fucking dog.

What the fuck was going on with this movie, people? Why did this movie go insane?

I can understand anyone who has a hard time hating General Zod (he is after all, pretty much genetically predestined to do what hes doing if you believe the rest of the plot) and I can defintely understand having a hard time loving the Mr. Kent. So we've got a good guy thats not all good, and a bad guy thats not all bad, and Superman in the middle, seemingly taking the worst parts of both. That's the movie, but more than that, that's the Superman we're supposed to follow for the next few years in sequels and property extentions.

Can't say I'm in for the ride, guys. Can't say I'm buying a ticket for this one.